


What's the Definition of Being a Normal

by hyunmirae



Series: Fate and Love Don't Always Blend [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Bullying, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Depression, F/M, Female Severus Snape, Gen, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:47:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25089406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyunmirae/pseuds/hyunmirae
Summary: Sequel of What's the Point of Being a Normal"Before you pursue someone, you must know the difference between love and obsession."Time suddenly run in different pace and Severus find herself in deep trouble.Number one: she got expelled because of the dunderhead she hated the most who also unfortunately happens to be her soulmate.Number two: the ministry arrested her for hurting her a muggle.Number three: the headmaster discovered that she is really a girl, disguising herself as a boy since she entered Hogwarts.Number four: she don't know how to act like a girl.Number five: someone is secretly deeply in love at her-and no, it is not her soulmate and it is someone she least expected the most.Number six: she got caught in a love triangle.And because of that, Severus wants to take back what she said before that she wants to be a girl. Why? She founds out that being a girl is not easy as it sounds.
Relationships: James Potter/Severus Snape, Regulus Black/Severus Snape, Remus Lupin/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon
Series: Fate and Love Don't Always Blend [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675090
Comments: 201
Kudos: 301





	1. The Sorrow's Monicker

**Author's Note:**

> Its really an accomplishment to finished the Part 1!
> 
> This one is the Part 2's prologue.
> 
> Its not connected to the last chapter, its more like a teaser.

Surreal....

She describe life as surreal even though we are trap on the harsh reality. 

Life is very strange and unusual, that we feel that we are dreaming even though we are not. 

There are several parts of her life where she can't understand the real point of fighting the side she really stands. 

Time will not slow down when something unpleasant lies ahead. Like what happened to her, she got on an accident she don't know if she is going to survive.

"When I was a child, I was afraid of darkness. Today, darkeness is my friend everytime that I am sad." She mumble, closing her eyes closely as the cold crawls on her skin while fear delightly licks her soul.

She secretly sees life as a failed joke, where everyone will not laugh as the joker obviously pulled it unsuccessfully except for her. 

Like on how the life decided to make her fall in love in the time when she is still not ready. She is not laughing because the timing is wrong, she is laughing bitterly because she don't expect her numb heart to be alive after all.

"Stop!" She plead desperately, pulling a plenty amount of her raven hair as she pulled it tightly, curling into a ball as depression swallow her whole body.

His voice echoes inside of her again as his face suddenly pop up on her brain. She knew he is somewhere she don't expected the most, as breath away's not far to where he is.

The longer you hide your feelings for someone, the harder you fall for that individual, she once heard from her mother. She also knows that the more you try to oppose your heart and push it away, it will hurt even more but she can't help it.

Because even though she tried to hide so he won't see her again, to turned her back first before he talk so he won't notice any difference, to try to change how she move and she is doing to not get caught, she already knew from herself that she not spared from the truth.

That she already fall in love at him and she can't hide it anymore. 

Who would listen to her if someone discovers her dirty little secret?

That, a girl who disguised as a boy fell in love to the beloved man the crowd's favorite?

The glint of moonlight flashed on her unhealthy pale skin as if you can see her soul, showing to the cold walls that surrounds her all the mysteries hidden inside of her.

Who will protect her if she is in great danger if she for the first place, is alone in the dark?

"Still..." She murmur darkly in the thin air as her once clear obsidian eyes started to glistened in tears she bottled up for years.

She once called out to him in longing every day but now she know that her heart cannot reach him.

He can't hear her, even if she scream help.

"It hurts to be alone." She wants to talk to someone, to ask if it is normal to find a new emotion she don't know she has.

Tonight tears are her only way of saying, "I'm proud of you." and to show to this world that is so sick of her to shut up and do its own business instead.

This one is new to her and it intensely shaken her core, its like going to war unprepared. Covering her ears with two long bony hands to pretend that she didn't hear anything.

Love is like a dark fantasy novel written from her heart, it will never be bright even if it you tried to filled it with bright colors.

She don't want any of this, to be honest. She tried to deny it but she had no other choice to choose from to save herself because she was born into a world they reject.

"Why is it me?" A thin voice said, sadly.


	2. Hum Your Way Home

Silence eats all the tension that continuously entering the dingy living room, as the two stare straightly at each other without making a small move, even an inch.

"Then do not ever go back in my life. Fate made the biggest mistake in my life and do you know what is it? You." Tobias spat at his own daughter, not even noticing that Severus clench her fist tightly until it is as white as chalk.

Severus hates his father so much that she can kill him right now if she lose all the control she has, fighting the urge to make him bleed with multiple slashes 'til he dropped dead helplessly.

"You're a very horrible man, don't you know that?" She said angrily, wiping all the salty tears that is running freely in her sallow cheeks as she states the fact that she saw while growing up from the monster she was forced to lived with.

When will she escape on my own agony? She repeatedly ask on herself silently every time she meets the end point, trying to fix everytime to hide from the tragedy's she is hiding.

"Don't say that in the front of me, you brat!" Her usually apathetic father shout in the front of her that Severus can't do anything but to watch curiously on how the face of the man changes everytime it moves.

How on Earth her mother fell in love in a man who can't even love its own flesh and blood?

"Why? Its true! I act like I don't care but deep down, all of this! It's killing me." Severus dauntlessly confess. Saying all the things she wants to say, words that she decided bottled up all this years. 

We own nothing, even feelings are temporary. But in her case, what she felt deep inside feels like it will be trap forever on her bitter heart and there is no way out.

"I want be okay, I want feel fine but I know that I won't and mostly, I can't and it is all because of you." She whispers, closing her glassy eyes with great amount of force as the sudden burst of stored emotions is starting to make her no weak knees to fall down.

Nobody can fall so low unless it has a greath depth. 

No one can save you if your time is already up and you are set to crumble down to atone all the mistakes you have done in your life.

"You inflicted too many wounds on me, the pain you had left is so real. There is too much inside that time alone cannot erase it." She mutter, eyes are still close as words escape from her usually silent mouth.

We can't create our own world, we are just living on thin line of fantasy and she's the living proof of it. Severus wished a multiple times that everything that she is going through is just a nightmare but she is not waking up, struggling to understand why hard things must be on her suitcase.

"You don't deserve anything, you ungrateful daughter of the devil! I wish you didn't born to this world for the first place!" Tobias honestly said not for the first time but instead, triggered the weak wall that Severus is trying to fix.

It feels like the time temporary stops from moving, from the ticking of the wall clock to the chirping of birds outside, all things stopped from moving except from the very tensed Severus who is barely holding the weight of the world.

Then it burst, everything she is gripping tightly using her two hands slipped away.

She can't stop it like what she is used to do before.

The raven haired girl open her still glassy eyes and shocked on what she saw.

Her abusive father, which Severus expects to be still standing is now lying on the wodden floor unconsciously, red blood is flowing nonstop from his head.

She can't help but to stare at the lifeless body in the front of her, she can't feel her two legs as fear licks her lithe body and train of thoughts suddenly hits her already occupied mind.

What the bloody hell did she do to her father?

Is he dead?

Suddenly, white light filled the whole room but she don't know what it is until someone speaks.

"Severus Snape, you are arrested for hurting a muggle using magic." An auror said in powerful tone, making Severus to freeze from panic.

She totally forgets that hurting a muggle can alert the ministry, trace her even though she is now in the legal age but why it must happen now?

Can she rest from the tragedy that is always following her?

"What did you say?" She said hoarsely, trying to catch up all the breath she lose.

How stupid of her, of course she is arrested in hurting a muggle! She tried to look straightly at the auror's face but she looks down after ten seconds, because she founds out that she made the aurors mad.

"You heard me clearly boy." The auror with red hair said, clicking his tongue repeatedly in annoyance.

The group of aurors walk nearer in large steps, the only old wooden floor starts creaks echoew loudly on her ears that made her to not think more clearly.

"No! You can't do that!" Severus desperately pleas, begging to the authorities who is trying to get her.

She can't spend her remaining life locked in the Azkaban as she know herself that she did nothing wrong, her father must be the one who is staying behind the bar, not the innocent her.

"Stop moving or you will get hurt!" They warn, trying to scare the already scared girl who is totally shaken from the shocking incidents that happened only in one day.

Who will not get scared if aurors suprisingly enters your home without giving any notice and started to arrest the traumatized you?

"I--'' She tried to explain that she is not trying to run because she can't hide to them for the first place but the aurors are not interested at any reasons she will give to them.

The aurors drew their wands fastly at the same time that made her eyes to bulge, trying to process what they will do to her.

"Stupefy!" She didn't know how many disarming spell hit her but every inch of her body starts to scream the excruciating pain she can't bear to handle, closing her obsidian eyes as she passed out.

And everything went black.

***

October 1970

A ten years old Severus Snape is currently kneeling in the corridor as a form of punishment as her seatmate accused her of stealing his expensive wrist watch when in the reality, her seatmate mistakenly leaved it on her red bag.

She can't comprehend why in all of the people inside of her class, why she is the one who is unfortunately accused of stealing a thing she swear didn't do? Mistaking her bag as his seatmate's own bag, not even noticing that he's on very good condition while her's was already ripped apart.

"He is the one who steal my brother's watch, right?" The girl with yellow ponytail whisper at her friend, pointing her little chubby fingers to the kneeling girl at the front of them.

Severus bow her head as another wave of embarrassment hit her, covering her small ears as she tries stops from listening to the growing crowd.

"Yeah! I don't want to be his classmate, he might steal mine tomorrow!" The boy said while shaking his head, hiding his pocket watch to everyone.

It hurt so much when you are being accused of doing the things you didn't really do for the first place, leaving a permanent mark on their mind of the wrong doings as they mock you forever. Not stopping even when you already leave the place you hated to be associated with.

"I don't want to be on the same class with the stealer!" The girl with pale pink said exaggerately, rolling her eyes while flipping her blonde hair.

The girl with yellow ponytail crossed her arms angrily while gritting her white teeth, thinking of ways to make her feel more embarrassment.

"Yeah! Everyone knows that he is poor and he can't afford a lot of things. Maybe that is the reason why he stole his seatmate's wrist watch!" The jokingly boy added, giving the girl that wearing a pale pink dress a high five.

The crowd laugh as the girl stated the obvious, making Severus to wish that she can turned herself into bubbles every time she wanted.

The girl with yellow ponytail decided to throw a crumpled pieces of paper to the kneeling girl in the front of them as a sign that she is a loser and she is not welcome to the school like before and everyone starts to copy her.

"That is for making my brother cry." She said before leaving the still bowing Severus who is silently cursing her under her breath.

***

"Did anyone saw my blue Mickey Mouse wrist watch?" The boy with round eye glasses asked while crying as he tried to search his wrist watch on his bag but failed to found. 

His classmates who is busy from doing their own businesses stopped from what they are doing as they watch the boy with eye glasses on searching his watch without lending a hand.

"No." The class answered shortly and the little boy started to cry louder that made the whole class to panic.

Severus, who is sleeping on her desk suddenly wakes up as she saw her seatmate crying but did nothing, trying to fall asleep again but the boy is too loud.

"What is happening here?" The stern teacher asked in the whole class, pacing in the front of them that made the class president stand from sitting.

At that moment, Severus learned that what is happening right now is really serious as the teacher in front of them starts to become more serious. 

"He can't find his wrist watch anywhere, Miss." The class president said in matter of a fact, standing straight while looking straight forward.

The stern teacher went in the middle where Severus and her seatmate currently sits and pats the boy's back, giving him comfort while offering a piece of tissue.

"Are you sure that you can't find it?" The teacher asked with the hint of care on her voice, trying to calm the boy on her side.

The boy shook his head, showing his bag to his teacher.

"Yes, Miss! I can't find my wrist watch anywhere! I just put it on my bag and its gone now!" The boy said faster that made the teacher to feel angry, massaging her temples as tries to calm her nerves.

Severus just stare at her teacher she looks at her surrounding curiously, trying to catch up all the things she missed while sleeping.

"Put your bags in the desk, everyone!" The teacher said directly, going to the front as she starts on checking there bag one by one.

***

The stern teacher already finished the half of the class on checking their belongings but still found nothing, and she can't stop but to groan in annoyance.

"Open your bag." The teacher orders to Severus, opening her bag to let her teacher to see her properties.

It didn't even takes a minute in searching inside of her bag as the teacher suddenly stops on checking it, having a blue wrist watch on her hand which Severus don't have and she knows she didn't put in her bag.

"Is it your missing wrist watch?" The teacher asked and the whole class gasped in surprise while Severus's eyes grew as large as she her eyes can, afraid of the things that might happened to her.

How come the teacher found the wrist watch on her bag? Something clearly happened while she is sleeping!

"Yes! That you Miss for finding it!" The boy enthusiastically said, hugging the teacher while smiling very brightly.

The whole class gave Severus a dirty looks while whispering on each other, making her lips to aquiverbfrom anxiousness she is feeling right now.

"Do not put your things unattended again." The teacher look in her eyes straightly, her hands started to tremble involuntarily as she discovered herself in the middle of unending problems.

"And you! Go outside with me." The teacher said with full of authority in her voice, leaving the room with now silent students.

"Yes, Miss." Severus said shortly, standing where she currently sits to follow her teacher.

***

"Why did you stole your classmate's wrist watch?" The teacher asked furiously but Severus remains silent, playing on her fingers as she tried her best to remain calm.

The teacher pinch her nose while waiting for an answer from her estranged student who is now shaken.

"I d-didn't do i-it!" She stutters, begging the teacher to believe her.

Severus knows that in the moments like this, no one believes her even though she is telling the truth because their mind is close for explanations from a student like her.

"Stop lying to me!" The teacher said, enraged as Severus keeps on denying all the accusations she is throwing to her.

What will Severus confess is she really did nothing? She can't tell the truth she is asking when she is being honest to her since the beginning.

"I really am, I swear!" Severus deny, shaking her head but the teacher still didn't believe her.

There are parts of her life that Severus hoped that everyone will take her not as a joke, that there is someone who will believe her when she is saying the truth.

But no one can testify as no one is even on her side.

"Still denying?" She said disappointedly, raising her pitch a little bit than she normally uses.

The students from the classroom watch their classmate who is being interrupted, making face every time Severus looks at them while screaming help.

"Please..." Severus pleads who is now crying, desperately begging for mercy but her teacher still said no.

The teacher didn't listen to her sobbing student, she didn't even wants to as she wants to resolve things without having any struggles she will surely face.

"Kneel on the floor until the class ends." The teacher said without thinking twice, leaving her helpless against the things she can't stop from happening.

Authority, not truth makes law, that is what she learned today. She discovered that there are only selected people who got the justice they want and the rest is getting what they don't deserve.

The toughest battle you will ever face is between what you feel and what you know. There is currently a war inside of her for years as everything she believes keeps on fighting all the things she sees and the revelations that showing out of nowhere.

Can someone hold her until her heart is full again?

The sun will surely rise again. Because no darkness, no season can last forever.


	3. Evening Sky

Severus is finally awake from slumber but it is not a good news, every inch of her body is screaming nothing but only pain but she heed no attention as heard the aurors in the front of her arguing on what is the right action they must give to her.

She keeps on waking up hoping the ache in her chest has faded but nothing happens everytime she is opening her eyes. Everything still feels the same and weight of the world became heavier than it is last night.

It is not true that when you wake up, all the problems that you left yesterday will fade away.

"Why we must let him go and not chuck him at Azkaban instead? We all know that he is nothing but a trouble and he may hurt more people in the future." The man who have few grey strands in his hair asked as his patience level is starting to went low, rolling his eyes as he met another miscreant for the third time this day.

There are too many troubled young witches and wizards in wizarding world than before that the aurors like him are always at work, night and day and it is still not enough to keep their world peaceful and unknown to the muggles.

"Let's give him give him a chance, I know that we all know that we only saw the aftermath of what happened last day, not the real reason behind of his actions." A faired skin woman said, crossing her arms in annoyance while answering the questions.

If she can hex the older man in front of her, she will do it without thinking twice but it is unfortunately against at their code and she might ended up getting fired at the job she barely passed when she was still a student.

"But that's horrible! Accident on that age? He is now at legal age and accidental magic rarely happens at that age!" The man ventilates in anger as he opens up the real issue at the woman in front of him.

The boy probably mean it as his background is starting to scream yes, trying to shut the mouth of the woman who keeps on defending the boy.

"You said it, accidental and accidents do happen at the time when you are in the state of unpreparedness and it will not slow down if you wanted to." The lady answer back, her pitch went higher as she tries to explain everything at her pretending to be blind and deaf partner.

The problem at this society is too many people is judging each other without digging deeper, spreading rumors until they cover the truth without knowing it.

"I heard from my nephew that boy is a talented but a git student! I'm sure that he really means it!" The stocky man spats, gritting his yellow teeth as he told another evidence.

He heard from his nephew last month that he is a very good student academically but lacks of extreme amount of proper manners and good conduct and he has the bad habit of slipping words in a spur of the moment without thinking twice if provoked.

"None sense! Did you know that his neighbors told me when I asked them that his father is a drunkard and his mother committed suicide last two months? Many people suspected that it is because of his husband, he always beats his mother and child until they bled and their tears run out." The woman contend, pulling her cards gently as she sense that the man is starting to sweat in panic.

It will be nice if the older man will realize that not all the teens that they caught is guilty and just lose control plus believing a thing that is not guaranteed is really a bad thing, maybe the boy is soft inside if people stops on criticizing him over little things that he did.

"Well--" The uncertain man said while thinking of some phrases throw but it is obvious that he is running out of words to say and he can't fight back though he is not admitting anything.

He is starting to see the point the young woman is saying to him but he knows that there is something fishy between the father and son and he wants to know it but how? The boy, for sure will not talk unless they threaten him until he burst into tears.

"Tell me, is that not enough to let him to this time?" She questions, laughing internally as she successfully pulled the close minded man's chain again.

"Shut up, you two! The boy is finally awake." A thin man said in between of them, stopping the two from arguing and Severus who is secretly listening can be compared to a can in the hot tin roof as the three aurors look at her at the same time.

The moment that the thin man saw Severus watching over them is a bad timing, a very bad one because she wants to listen more to them, to know which side will win.

"Don't move, lad! You might hurt yourself more." She instilled too much doubt and questions in her already puzzled mind that Severus actually flinch as the man with few grey strands in hair notice her.

Will they throw her to Azkaban now that she is finally awake? But the young woman said that they will let go of her, maybe she change her mind and decided to change side with the close minded man?

"You are not in the trouble sweetheart, trust me. So, how's life?" The kind woman assures to her, walking closer to the shaken girl to pat her raven locks to calm her.

How's life? Life is still unkind to her, harsh to be exact but she is too busy to cry to be affected and it will never help her to get out at her problems.

"Ah, yes, life, that awful and beautiful trainwreck of a thing." She whispers but loud enough to be heard, shaking her head in utter disappointment.

If she is a wildflower, she wanted to grow between the concrete.

"Still bad as expected. Nothing changes, even a bit." She said blankly, smiling bitterly as moments starts to play at her labyrinth like mind.

There are certain moments in her life where she don't know how to grasp on things she used to believe when she was a child because everything keeps on changing everytime she tries to close her eyes and she don't know where and how to stand properly, to not fall in her knees. 

"Do not act like the world already failed you, there are teens in the same age like you who suffers worser than you." The thin man said while pointing his bony but short finger to Severus who is not paying attention to him or to his words. He might not want him to end up in prison but he made Severus feels so small and weak, that she can't say all the words that she wants to tell when they are asking her because everything sounds insulting to them.

Are they saying that what she bear and suffer all this years is not that bad? Do they also pretend to be boy to the point that they don't recognize who they really are everytime that they are looking at their reflection in the clear mirror?

If yes, can they tell to her how they still manage to breathe and act like nothing happens at all?

"He is right, boy. Do not think that you are the most unfortunate person who was born in this world, we also have problems like you but we didn't solve it through violence." The older man add without thinking back on what Severus's words really means, siding the the man on his left like a mindless fool jumping the bridge because it is ordered to do it so.

When you are young, they assume that you know nothing at life. That, you are wasting every drop of it until you realize that run out of time and starts to beg for more.

"Do you ever think of what it might be like? If this didn't happened?" She said out of nowhere while looking at the glass window, trying to flip the table that the aurors set.

She didn't realize how broken she was until she tried to collect all of the pieces of her soul fallen in the cold marble floor. How many years it will take before she can smile again without sacrificing anything she has?

"Hey, stop that! The three of you! Stop being a drama queen and talk nicely and gently and no raising of voice. Merlin! I'm still here, you know?" The woman exclaims as the veins in her temples started to show in her now flushed face.

It is hard to stop the three all by herself and she is barely holding on. Her partners must be mindful and benovelent, not fighting to a teenager because she is not agreeing of what they are trying to point out.

"That is because he is starting to become more awful than he is especially when he starts to open his mouth!" The man with few grey hair hiss, hands on his hips while stamping his feet like a drunk man who lose all of its money in gambling.

"Im an awful person, I've been knowing that and there is no need in reminding me. You are just stating the obvious again and again and again, nothing will change even if you tell that to my face ever again even a million times more." Severus said in a matter of fact as she starts get tired of being misunderstood. Can they shut up and mind their business instead?

Her mind is black and bright and like a raven between death and life. All the things she is thinking is either a threat or already a harm before she can say it, trying to buried it seven feet under until she forgets everything about it.

Yes, she is awful but she will never be a bad enough to kill one because before she did that, she already stabbed her own.

"Severus, listen to me, okay? Tell me, what really happened yesterday and how do your father end up lying in the blood unconciously with his own blood?" The woman asked nicely but it is still not enough for Severus to tell everything she knows because she can't still trust no one. They will betray her once get what they wanted, leaving her alone like when they found in a place where she is miserable the most.

What it feels like to have someone you can lean on to? Who will not give you up even when the whole world is in your case? Is that warm like what she heard from her peers?

"My father and I argued, just like before but I found out that time that my patience is already gone and I can't control myself like what I used to be." She said honestly but cutting most of the parts that made Tobias more angry like finding out that she is a girl, pretending be a boy in everyone's eyes with the help of her now dead mother.

No one wants truth to be alone at the end of the day so a lot of people ended up concealing it because they can't handle it's growing pressure. Truth is something everyone needs to hear but not everyone wants to, because there is at least one person who will be drag down at the end of the day and not all wants that to happen. They will save their well cared reputation in pure desperation even if one of its consequences is you must live in the false reality you created and you are the only one who knows it but you cannot escape no matter how hard you try because there is no other way out.

"Like a balloon in the sky? The pressure is probably pushing you way too much that it explodes exactly at the time that you are barely gripping the thin thread that you are holding. It must be the only one who is dividing your thoughts, right?" The woman cryptically said, looking straight at the young girl's mesmerizing obsidian eyes.

Is Severus a balloon and his father is the pressure? If yes, Severus for sure exploded because she already reach the her limit and only one of them must be left.

"You can say that it is like that, I'm a balloon and I exploded because I can't handle the pressure that keeps on pushing me." She brittlely as her dried lips started to tremble in sadness.

There is no right amount of words on how to describe what she is feeling right now as tragedy and unfortunate didn't fit in her situation and miserable is dancing between too less and too much. She can't even paint and give the right colors if there is one who can symbolize her painful life because nothing is too dull to paint every tears that she shed.

"Not guilty then, don't worry ending up at Azkaban because I'm sure accidental magic is not counted plus it is a form of self defence, right?" The woman said happily while clapping her hands, looking at the face of two men at her right side.

Maybe, if she is not here, Severus will be thrown out at Azkaban without proper trial and because of lack of judgement. She can still fix herself and live a life that is full of honor, she believes in her because she see her old self on her.

"We leave you now, don't stay in trouble and rest instead. We are still watching you." The thin man said, warning Severus but the woman nudged him in the ribs but the man with few grey hair said nothing.

The three started to walk away but the woman stops, turning her back to say something for the last time.

"Sometimes you don't get what you want because you deserve better, always remember that everytime that you feel like you are in the brink of exploding again." The woman said, giving her a warm smile.

***

Severus close her eyes after the aurors finally leave her alone to mind her own business, trying to get more energy but someone interrupts her.

"Are you Severus Snape?" A woman in her fifties asked calmly, her kind hazel eyes flared for a couple of seconds as she unconciously checks the surrounding of the unwell girl in the front of her.

"Yes I am." She stops, locking her eyes at the brunette woman as she watches the old lady as she closes the door gently, breathing deeply as she continues where she stops.

There are some points in our life that time surprises us the most, meeting the person who we don't want to meet at all and you can't avoid them because you were trapped in the corner with no other way out unless you confronted them in the front of their face.

"Mrs. Potter." A dead voice said, but you can still feel weight of it's intensity.


	4. Dear Severus

"Sometimes you don't get what you want because you deserve better, always remember that everytime that you feel like you are in the brink of exploding again." Severus suddenly stop at breathing as she heard what the fair skinned lady is saying, trying to remember all the words that escaped from her cherry lips.

Do she really deserve something better? And if yes, why? She closed her eyes as questions and possibilities filled her mind, projecting all the good things that might happen in her life without doing anything that involves risk taking.

Severus is not a big fan of hoping and she will never be as nothing good will happen if she tries wait for one. It hurts when the thing you are expecting for days didn't happened and it is the first thing that she learned when she was still a kid and still praying for miracles to happen.

"Are you Severus Snape?" A warm voice interrupts the raven haired girl from thinking, opening her eyes to see who is that.

The woman who entered in her room is very familiar to her, as the smiling woman and her number one enemy is sharing a same face.

"Yes I am." She paused, gritting her teeth in anguish. 

Why do people appear in the time you didn't need them?

"Mrs. Potter." She said heavily that the older woman gives her a shy smile.

Maybe, if James Potter and her mother is not sharing a same face, Severus can hold herself a little bit more but seeing a smiling James Potter look alike makes the young woman to have a very bad desire of clawing her hazel eyes out.

"What are you doing here?" Severus asked curiously who also obviously wants to get rid Euphemia Potter from her room before she lost control.

Maybe, ventilating your anger to someone is not that bad as long as you didn't kill them, right?

"I'm a healer and I work here. I'm the one who will take care of you until you're feeling fine and if you mind, you can call me Euphemia." Euphemia kindly said, sitting to the nearest wooden chair where the faired skinned auror once seated.

"Great, I'm stuck with another Potter." Severus whispers and luckily, the older Potter didn't hear what she says.

Each person looks through a different lens, even what is similar is not the same and she knows that his enemy and his mother may not be the same but what if they are?

"Stop whispering and please, do not sulk. It doesn't fit to a beautiful girl like you." Severus's eyes bulge as she realized that the woman called her a girl, how the bloody hell did she founds out?

Oh, right. Severus is really doomed and it is a bad news. It sounds like Mrs. Potter is not joking at all and it makes Severus to panic more deep inside.

"Wait, what did you say? I'm not a girl." She denies, trying to escape the tension that is starting to grow.

She knew that she can't escape now and she have no other option but to say the truth to the older woman and to everyone someday but Severus is still not ready to face all the questions the crowd may throw to her.

"Who do you think is the one who changed your clothes? I'm surprised that you managed to keep your secrets for many years without getting caught." Euphemia playfully states, wondering how Severus manage to pull a lot of stunts.

Right, She didn't realize that she is wearing a hospital gown. Severus hug herself tight as a wave of embarrassment hits her, what if the one who dressed her is a man and freak out once he finds out that the boy he is dressing up is really a girl?

"You're mistaken me as another person madam, I'm not the one who you changed clothes because I'm a boy and I know myself better that anyone." She denies again, playing her bony fingers as she became more uneasy than last five minutes ago.

Euphemia Potter finally senses that Severus is probably feeling a great discomfort and decided to touch her right hand to give some comfort.

"Quit that, do you think I'm forgetting things now? Plus I saw your mark, a very beautiful stag, isn't it?" The hazel eyed lady asked calmly, soft hands caress the rough ones slowly and gently to earn some trust from the shaken girl.

She can't force the young girl to say the truth but she can convince her to spill tiny pieces of it. The Potter don't want to rush things that need time to grow and she can wait until she decided to speak.

"My mark is not a stag and please, stop jumping into conclusions. That is bad, you know?" Severus shakes her head as panic totally hits her frail body, it is already enough that her father discovered that she is a girl and adding another one on her checklist is a bad idea.

"Stop denying everything, it won't help you from escaping the truth and don't worry, I will not say to everyone that your soulmark is a stag. "She tut, giving Severus a warning.

"Plus, as I remember, my son once informed to me that his mark is a doe and he once produced a stag patronus. You must said that to him before regret eats you." Euphemia added, giving the raven haired girl a heavy looks.

Does it looks like regret can tear down the ignorant Severus Snape? 

"Why would I surrender myself to the man I hated the most? I rather to be behind the bars than to be stuck at that arrogant jerk forever." Severus didn't realize that she finally admitted to the mother of her soulmate that she is a girl and she don't want to be with him.

Severus believes in the phrase: be yourself and never surrender. She will not let James Potter to ruin her life more and if it means that Severus needs to crossed an oceans a hundred times? She will do that without a hesitation.

"Excuse me?" Euphemia asked in a spur of the moment, shocked at what Severus told to her.

Severus looks straight at her eyes as hatred started grow from hers and her heart started to beat in faster pace.

"Did you know that your innocent baby turns into a horrifying monster?" Severus said in a matter of a back, watching on how Euphemia Potter shakes her head from fear and disappointment.

Sometimes, people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions to be destroyed and that of the sad reality in life.

"I didn't know that, is his pranking became more serious?" Mrs. Potter said in an undertone, starting to feel guilty for what her son did to make Severus's life harder.

"Pranking and serious is not the appropriate word, he and his friends already tried to kill me about a multiple times and no one still caught those lucky bastards." She mutters insensitively while sighing.

Mrs. Potter bows her head in sadness in all of the sudden, afraid of what her son is really capable of doing without noticing anything because she and his husband spoiled James Potter way too much.

"Why did you let him do all the things that he wanted? He is so insensitive that he broadcast to the crowd that my mother hang herself to death and laugh because no one's feels bad for me!" She shrills, punching her chest repeatedly in painful way.

Severus learned not to rage anymore and to stay quiet whenever her heart is at war with itself but she still has a limit and she can't contain all the noise she made and remain silent for the rest of her life.

"I'm sorry! I thought that my son is only doing harmless pranks, I didn't know that he almost became a murderer and makes fun of the sufferings of others. What a horrible mother I am." Euphemia confess, begging for forgiveness for what James did to her.

Arrogant people tend to muddy the water to make it seem deeper. They are turning clear things to be confusing to misguide a person they hate from knowing the truth.

"Now you know! And I was expelled because I'm too tired to bear all the overlapping weights that he is putting on my shoulders, I'm done." Severus brittlely admitted, clenching her fist tighter until it turns into chalk white.

"I hope that you will forgive my son in the future." Euphemia hopefully whispers as if she is waiting miracles to happen.

The older woman prayed that Severus will learn how to forgive as life is not as generous as you once thought it is.

"Did you heard from the muggles that hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man?" She said honestly to stop the Euphemia from hoping to much.

Severus don't remember clearly where she read the sentence but she knows for sure that the words will surely hit her mother so hard if she heard that from her.

"There is a high change that what you are hoping for will not come true and that is not a threat. I'm just stating a frightening fact." She said blankly that made Euphemia shocked the most.

How can an angry girl in front of her be calm all of the sudden?

"Then I won't, but don't live in a life like this. Embrace yourself and learn to share some things." The hazel eyes woman smiles, trying her best to encourage the girl.

You can't defeat someone who accepts their flaws and not everyone knows that. Insecurity is a poison that slowly kills your body, trying shape your soul into someone you don't really are until you give up and decided to ruin others instead.

"I don't want to share my heart, people leave when they finally got what they wanted." Severus bitterly said, remembering her former friend who leaves her for just one mistake.

Did Lily miss her? Because she really is and she is still waiting for her to come back.

"There is a big difference between sharing your heart and sharing what is inside." Euphemia said sincerely while pointing her chest to Severus's chest.

Life is painful and disappointing, and that is why we hold on things that makes it beautiful, we learn on how to appreciate even a tiny details that won't matter at all.

"I will never understand what you are trying to tell me, as I don't have any to share with." She said gloomily that Mrs. Potter can feel the intensity of her words.

She existed in the darkest of shadows waiting for someone to bring her light but no one came when she needed it the most.

"Find someone who you can trust and they will help you from searching one thing worth sharing, and they will also teach you how to love." The older woman suggested, trying to persuade Severus.

Love is the hardest thing to do and not all human can do that because it means that you are ready to let go all the things for the sake of love without holding back.

"There is nothing, nothing like being loved wholly. Its a cliche, I know, but it's everything." Mrs. Potter added, smiling as she remembers how to be loved.

She believes that Severus will find someone who she can lean on to, but Severus is too proud to admit that she is starting crumble down.

"You know what, that will never happen. That only happens in novels and if that happens in real life? Love is not the one that will form, it is betrayal." Severus grimaced from her own experiences.

When there is light, there will be a shadow and the dark side is always the larger one.

"I feel disappointed at life before when I was a kid but now? I'm not. Because I learned that at least, I'm still breathing and I'm still capable of counting my blessings even if I can't distinguish it as one." She said out of nowhere to tell to her enemy's mother that she is not that helpless.

For Severus, everything is already enough. She stopped judging her emotions and start listening to what they were trying to tell her even she can't heard anything even a faint one.

"Do not take things for granted, be grateful and show gratitude to someone who is lending a hand." Euphemia adviced but she feels like something went wrong.

She didn't know that the girl has bad experiences with gratitude and bad memories flooded from Severus's never calm mind.

"Gratitude? What the fuck is that and who the bloody hell invented that word?" Severus bitterly laughs as she heard the second word that she hated the most, stopping herself from choking the Potter to death.

Entitled people tend to abuse the weaker ones once they owe a big or even small things from them, using the word gratitude to trap them in their clutches and to stop them from fighting their own rights. 

"Mind your words young lady." Euphemia warns, obviously didn't like the words that Severus said a while ago.

Did Euphemia Potter know that the most hated word of the young woman in front of her is the name of her one and only precious son?

"I don't usually curse, you know? But today is a special day and don't you dare to say gratitude! All the people who believe in gratitude goes to hell." She hiss, eyes are starting to become glassy as things become more personal to her.

Man indeed is the cruelest animal and for the first time, the majority will agree with her.

"Leave, now!" She fumed, annoyed at the pushy woman who tries to convince her to be a better person.

How can she convince her to be a good person if she can't make her son like one for the first place?

"Fine, and I will talk to the headmaster about your situation as soon as possible. I'll make sure that you will return to the Hogwarts no matter what." Euphemia Potter promised to her, trying to fix all the mess that James Potter did to his soulmate but still, it is not enough.

You cannot undo what you already done, you cannot take back all the pain that you inflicted because it already left a mark that will last even at the very last breath.

The axe forgets but the tree remembers. It is hard to let the pain go and even though it is impossible to heal when you keep on holding on, you cannot free the weight that you are grasping with both of your hands if everything that happened is against your will and you don't want to for the first place.

"What does your conscience says? That you should become the person you are? I don't have conscience so no one is telling me to be me, and what conscience really is? Are you sure that you have it? That it is not your mind tricking you in doing some malicious things?" Severus quipped in very low yet dangerous voice that Euphemia had a hard time to understand what she is actually saying for the last time.

Who can be sure that what we are experiencing right now is not a dream? Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings, it is always as dark as the midnight sky and it scares Severus most of the times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead, just fixing my time schedule for this school year.


	5. Only If You Know

"What does your conscience says? That you should become the person you are? I don't have conscience so no one is telling me to be me, and what conscience really is? Are you sure that you have it? That it is not your mind tricking you in doing some malicious things?" Severus said in a way that can make everyone stop, asking the woman in front of her if she is really a morally good person or just pretending to be nice in everyone's eyes to earn their hearts and attentions.

It is very easy to fool everybody if you know what are you doing as not everyone can play cards in the middle of heavy tension, that is what Severus learned from experience but even though she already fooled a lot of crowds, she still can't spot the liar and the one who is telling the truth.

In the other side, it feels like the time stop at running in all of the sudden as Euphemia hear clearly what the young lady at her back said, she can't help but to shiver at the mysterious force that's enveloping the now silent room.

What is Severus trying to say?

Euphemia shakes her head to cut herself from worrying too much as she left St. Mungo's immediately as she decided to visit the headmaster at the Hogwarts. She can't waste time as time is really indeed gold, it is precious and not everyone can afford it.

***

Euphemia Potter walk elegantly as her feet kiss the ancient floor of the castle, portraits are whispering loudly to each other as they wonder what her real intention is. Watching closely even the tiny details she is wearing from her mahogany brown hair to her rose gold stilettos, men and women from the portrait can't help themselves but to feel amazed.

The Potter smile broadly as she heard all the complements she is receiving, nodding at everyone who locks their eyes to her until she reach the Headmaster's office and frown as she discovered that the hideous statue is still the one that's guarding the office.

"Sugar quills." She said blankly to the large and extremely ugly stone gargoyle that's guarding the Headmaster's office without changing of any facial expression.

When is the last time that she went to the Headmaster's office?

"Enter!" Euphemia breathe deep as she heard the Headmaster's voice, looking around at the interesting office as her ears detect funny little noises that's hiding in the fancy circular room.

Clearing his throat to catch the attention of curious Euphemia Potter, Albus Dumbledored started to talk.

"May I know the reason why you decided to visit Hogwarts in days like this? Parents rarely visit Hogwarts when it's holiday unless terrible something happened, of course." The silver haired man asked calmly who finally caught the woman's attention.

Euphemia chuckle as she heard what the headmaster said, it is true that she visit Hogwarts because something terrible happened.

"I want to talk about Severus Snape." She dictates, trying to gulp all the worries that starting to form from her throat.

Albus's forehead wrinkle as he heard his former student, wondering why the woman who insisted to expelled Severus wants to talk something about her.

"Why? The last time that we talked, I remember you saying that you don't want to talk about Mr. Severus Snape anymore. Why did you change your mind." He inquire while playing his long, pale hands.

Humans don't talk to someone they don't like unless they see something that they can benefit from, as no one wanted to waste time for someone who is not worthy enough in their eyes. 

"Oh, that's miss, Headmaster, not mister. I recently found out that you had one student who pretends to be someone else." She stops, clicking her tongue as their eyes meet all of the sudden.

The professor's stunning sapphire eyes bulge as he heard what the woman told to him, how did the teen keep herself together? No one in there right mind have the gut to pretend everyone and continue to live as if nothing happened.

"I can't believe that Miss Snape handled her secret for a very long time without getting caught, I'm pretty sure that there is a big chance that no one knows her secret." He said tightly, still shocked at the revelation Euphemia Potter share.

Severus Snape is still a great mystery not only to the professors' eyes but to the crowds also, as if she is a mismatched ten thousand puzzle pieces they can't solve.

"I learned that she is connected in my son's life and I can't let myself to ruin his forever because of rush decisions." She continues, tapping her feet excessively.

When things got far out of control you sometimes have the urge to run away and sever your contacts rather than working together. You don't want to admit that you did something wrong as you see yourself flawless, you don't want to ruin your image just because of one mishap.

"I talked Severus a while ago, and what she said made me think twice." She tell honestly, massaging her forehead for quick relief from stress.

Some things comes at most unexpected time, they said and it looks like its very true. Who knows that the young lady in front of you is the one who can change you and your son's life?

"May I know what is it?" Dumbledore inquire, thinking if it is like the questions Severus Snape once said to him.

The professor confessed that what she said to him before getting expelled leave him speechless, he can't stop himself from searching of possible answers especially her question about fairness.

"She asked me of what my conscience is saying to me. If I really have one and it's not only my mind playing tricks to me and she also said that she have no one, headmaster and it really creeps me out." She shrug, closing her eyes for a couple of seconds.

Almost everyone believes in false reality, because they don't want to live in the life the world provided to them.

"She have no one? Of all the things that she can ask to you, why she asked about your conscience? Did you tell something to her?" The headmaster question, trying to clear what Mrs. Potter told.

Severus Snape for sure has conscience, even if it is just a single small drop as it is a bad sign if she really do not have. 

"Some things that I thought will sound nice to her ears, yes but it turns out that it's not. It seems like she loathed the word gratitude." Mrs. Potter mutter, looking down at the floor as she feels disappointment deep inside of her chest.

Why she hates gratitude? There is a huge possibility that she got traumatized, and hating gratitude is her first line defence.

"I see, she is included to the group of people who detest gratitude. What else did she said?" Dumbledore said serenely to calm the nerves of Euphemia Potter, offering a lemon drops who she gladly accepts.

It is obvious that Euphemia Potter can't understand what Severus is trying to say at her, as she can't understand what she really feels until she wear her shoes. She can't force Severus to be someone she likes just because she wants it.

"She said that my innocent boy turned into monster." Euphemia said while wiping the tears that forming on her kind eyes as Severus's words keeps on ringing at the back of her head.

"She said that to you? Your some perhaps made larger impact than what we are expecting." He utter, combing his silver hair gently.

Albus feels that Euphemia Potter want him to do something big that is related to Severus Snape, but he can't tell what it is.

"I also heard from the aurors that Severus is a quiet but dangerous kid when she was still a kid according to her neighbors. She only has one friend and everyone was scared that she will influence her only friend to do bad things." She said sadly while clenching her fist until in turned as white as chalk.

What kind of person Severus Snape really is? Will she kill James Potter if she was given another chance?

"But she didn't. Not everyone who came from bad family ruin others, they are yes, misguided but they promised to themselves that they will not turn to someone who hurt them." Dumbledore said with full of understanding, small smile paints on his lips as he remembered some kids who turned up into a good people as they grow up.

There are no beautiful surfaces without a terrible truth, people always tends forget that. There is no wonderful things in the world that will not wound you and your heart, as there is and there will be hidden spot where you will bleed until you feel the satisfactory you are seeking.

"Do you think its a valid response from a kid who grew up with parents that constantly shout at each other all the time to try and find a way to kill their emotions so they won’t become what they first perceived as a monster?" She asked, worried as aurors are not convinced that Severus is telling the truth. That she is hiding something terrible and planning to hide it until her very last breath.

"For me, I'll say yes. Because vulnerable people tends create a high wall to keep themselves from the harm that's lurking at their surroundings. I still remember the day when I heard from one of my former students who is trapped in the circle saying that it's either you will kill your emotions mercilessly or let that devour you." He said in a matter of a fact.

Everyone is equal before the law except in the front of the mirror. People criticize others just because they look different from the rest, tormenting them as a sign that they are not welcome to their world until they change themselves.

"Do you know what is the only thing that can scare us all?" Albus Dumbledore asked quietly in the spur of the moment while looking at the window where he can see the green meadows clearly.

Fear is a dangerous thing, your one action can change someone’s whole future. 

"Silence." The headmaster stated, making the woman in front of her to drown in confusion.

There are some things that only bizarre people can understand, who can unlock the mystery door normal people can't see.

"What do you mean? Can you be more detailed?" Mrs. Potter implored, snapping her fingers in irritation.

Why of all things that can scare humans, why silence? 

"A small drop is fine, but when it starts to grow, you are starting to hate it, fear it. You forget what sound sounds like, silence eat your mind like tommorow will not come again." He said cryptically as if he was forced learned something he didn't want from someone he knew for a long time.

"Tell me honestly, what connection your son and Miss Snape shares that made you think differently?" Albus Dumbledore confronts, trying to pinpoint again the reason of why Euphemia changed her usually unchanged decisions.

She wants to change something for sure, to make Severus comfortable even for just a little time. But forgiveness is hard to earn, as long as she keeps on denying that she also, made a mistake.

When things got far out of control you sometimes have the urge to run away and sever your contacts rather than working together.

"They are soulmates." Euphemia said quietly that you can hear clearly how fast her heartbeat is.

Pure shock paints at the Headmaster's face who can't believe what the fate gave to the two who is fighting at almost everything. There is nothing wrong if Hogwarts accept Severus with open arms again, right?

"You are finally allowing Severus to continue her seventh year at Hogwarts, right?" Euphemia asked softly, praying deep inside that the headmaster will agree.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. They still can stop Severus from turning into something bad as long as time is in their side.

"Severus Snape still have one chance left, she can use her last one to avoid what the society is trying to form her." Professor Dumbledore said, his stunning blue eyes twinkle as if he saw hope somewhere.

Judgment is one of the strongest enemies that you will meet in your life in the view of the fact that it's either good or bad, but the most common of the two is the bad one which is pretty horrifying. You still can hear harsh criticisms even if your ears are tightly covered, and you can't find the silver lining considering the fact that its hard to find hidden things if you are crying in the dark.


	6. The Light Behind Her Eyes

It's a hot and humid 3 pm, the clock ticks it's fifteenth chime of the day as it echoes inside of blurry mind of Severus who is starring at the blank white ceiling of St. Mungo's, trying to block all the random voices she is hearing inside of her head.

Who can she fool? She can read everyone's mind since the beginning but fortunately, she is not using the ability that was bestowed to her as there is still no way of stopping the events she already predicted if she has no power to prevent such thing. She have no choice but to let trouble hit her emotionless face as if she can't feel pain at all, letting her bare feet that is full of scabs and callouses to bleed as she slowly walks in the pavement that is horrifyingly made of sharp pebbles and broken glasses.

She found out that surprise is one of her greatest enemies as the time passes by, facing problems that you can't visualize can make your already weak knees tremble. However, she learned how to flip the table little by little, using everything she has to bring down her enemy until it can't bother her anymore but she need to pay the price for something she asked for as nothing is free in the world now.

She won't worry even if someone throw a sharp knife straight into her chest but she, sadly lost her touch at her empathy as she won't hesitate throw the knife back if it failed to kill her. Making her heart to turn into a stone, it is so hard that you can't soften it even if you soak it in the water for a long time.

"Does time really exist? Did humans only invent and use time so they won't get lost? That time is not really existing and and it is only an illusion created by our mind to set boundaries?" She asked in soft voice as she notice the headmaster entering her room, not making any noises as she waited for answers.

Albus Dumbledore smile broadly as he heard his student asking a question a teen won't dare or not interested to all to ask. What time really is and does it really exist? It also came to his mind, of course but no one answered him at the time that he asked that as no one still knows the answer behind the tricky question. Unless, you have the nerve to ask time itself if you can.

"Do you know why muggles are thinking the possibly of having multiple universes?" He asked with the tone that is full of wisdom, trying to chance the question until he can insert the topic he want to discuss with the Slytherin girl.

He watch every move the girl makes in front of him, thinking of reasons on how she successfully pull a stunt without getting caught. She doesn't look like a girl if you look at Severus for the first time as she wears boy's clothes but if you look closely, there are angles in her face that screams her secret.

"It was created because of millions of why's and what ifs but mostly, it came from the result of our deep regrets." Severus mutter under her breath, starring back at the white ceiling.

If there is another Severus, is she free from all the problems that is trapping the other her inside the circle and live happily as a girl? Is her father not a drunkard and she has a strong mother that won't easily fall? That kind of questions makes her eyes to blurry but nothing won't escape as they are not allowed to, but her chest hurts so much everytime she is preventing everything to come out.

"Do you regret everything?" The old professor said to cut the grief that's forming slowly in the room

Humans are like mirror, you can see their expressions and you will notice that it is sometimes same as yours. The way how you breathe, cry and even die is also similar on how they look like as if you can see your soul if you look straight into their eyes that is full of honesty in the time where they are vulnerable the most.

"Your silence is enough to consider that your answer is a yes." He said patiently, his blue eyes are still twinkling as if he is not in the room that's surrounded by heavy resentment.

Even if you can't always give answer to someone, echoing silence is enough for them to be the answer. Making you uncomfortable especially if they guess the wrong one.

"I recently discovered that you are a girl, Miss Snape. I'm wondering why you decided to disguise as someone as if nothing happens?" Albus Dumbledore interrogates but his tone didn't change so Severus will remain calm but it is not working in any way no matter how hard he tries.

Severus looks at the headmaster, her eyes gives hard looks to the professor that I can slice him into two. James Potter's mother said she won't tell to someone that she is a girl but it looks like she didn't keep what she said to her.

"Why? Are you going to throw me in Azkaban?" She dares, her pitch went a little bit higher than the usual as she questions the Headmaster who is pain in the ass to be honest.

She really don't know what is really running in his mind as everyone also hails him as an insane person, a man who you can't read as he always did the most unexpected things.

"No, deary. I think it's the best way if we return to Hogwarts and continue your studies." He answer, which makes Severus to feel mix of emotions that she can't she sure if she is going to be angry or thankful.

He expelled her without thinking twice and decided to bring her back because someone says so. Do he think that he use her as she is a chest piece?

"Do you think I'm a joke to you? That you can pull and pull me out if you wanted?" She angrily states as breathes deeply, trying to stop herself in clawing his eyes out of his annoying happy face.

It feels like she didn't own her own body anymore, she can freely move it but it is still, only limited.

"It's not like that. Someone said that it is quite unfair to expel a student without giving them a second change." He answer back but failed to get Severus's attention.

She is one hundred percent sure that it is Euphemia Potter's doings as she discovered that Severus is her golden son's soulmate in her dismay.

"It's not like that? It feels like that to me! Stop lying to me because you are obvious." She shout, completely upset at the old man who keeps on lying to her.

She is upset not because she can't trust him, she is upset because no one wants to put their trust to her as she looks suspicious everyday. Do she looks like she is going to kill someone while it is sleeping soundly in the middle of the night?

"It feels like I'm a marionette but I don't know who is the one who is moving my strings." She sadly adds, who is starting to pull her raven locks as anxiousness starts to kick in her body.

No one notice but, she feels like she is a doll with strings on her head, arms and feet and toy her without her approval or if she says yes at all.

"I'm sorry that you feels like that, I really am." Albus apologized, bowing his head to express his guilt.

How many children needs to be in her shoes for them to realize that it is not okay to make her down? A hundred? How about thousands?

"You are? Have you experienced that, huh? Being used then thrown away if they found out that you are not that useful like before?" She said, her voice shake as disappointed forms at the back of her throat.

When you realized your mistake, it was too late. You beg with your knees bent in above about a million times but no one answers you, only the wind who sings your defeat.

"Yes, I am. I also did something bad like you and I payed the price for it." He reminisce, remembering his sister who died in his two arms.

Love makes wild promises and buries us deep and his case, it is someone who is very prescious to him.

"I'm just trying to saving you so you won't experience all the consequences I predicted." Dumbledore adds, as he tried to stop Severus in becoming a bad person he predicts her to be.

Nobody can fall so low unless he has a greath depth. Has he made a great depth or just an illusion so it will look like to others that he is a great one?

"By returning me to the school? How can Hogwarts save me then?" She quipped, totally lost in the middle of nowhere.

Home is where the scar rest, but she has no one to runs to. She once have a house instead, and it is where most of scars where made.

"I want you to be yourself. Return as a girl there, and don't worry getting caught because you are not hiding something anymore. Am I right?" Dumbledore said strictly to gain Severus's attention and he succeed, as Severus nod in approval.

How can she be herself if she didn't know how to be herself? How can she act like what he want her to be if she is lost and she can't find her way out of the dark?

"Yeah, they will finally know the secret I hid from them for many years." She frown, imagining his classmates especially boys to complain about sleeping in the boy's dormitory.

When will she escape on her own agony? How long will she lie to herself that she is okay and she will not crumble down like a sand castle?

"So you finally agree to my offer, then? Congratulations, Miss Severus Snape for returning to Hogwarts to finish your last year. It's a great pleasure to know that." He said cheerfully, hand shaking the reluctant Severus who only gave him a shy smile.

Beautiful but empty words, be careful not to fall as it is deep enough to trap you in the abyss of lies for eternity that you can't escape even if you scream for help.

"Can we change topic, then?" She offer, trying escape all the topics about her breaking all the rules in Hogwarts.

"Of course, you can. What do you want to ask?" He said nicely as if he can give her all the questions she wants to ask.

"What happened to my father after the accident? Is he dead?" Severus ask blankly, clenching her fist as she hopes that the monster who made her is finally dead and suffering from all the consequences of wrong doings that he did to her and and her mother.

It may sound bad that a child like her is wishing for her father to die but no one can blame her if she wants to. There is no other way to save herself, that is what she is trying to explain but every words that escaped from her mouth only worsen every situation she unfortunately lands on. 

"No, but he will die soon. Doctors found out that he has---" Dumbledore calmly adds, trying to lessen the heavy tension that is replacing the heavy resentment that once filled the room.

It is not easy to forgive someone who wronged you without doing anything, you can't accept them again in your life without losing something and for her case, it is pride.

"I don't mind if he died, he can leave whenever he wanted." She said without a remorse while looking at the other side of the room with her eyebrows crossed.

She won't let him to enter her life again even if he die in front of her, she will be thankful instead. That finally, no one will hurt her.

"He already knows that no one will mourn for him." She adds, chuckling bitterly as she tries to count using her two hands on how many people will attend to his burial. 

A man like him doesn't deserve anything even if he begs for it. He didn't stop when she begs at him to stop from hurting her, he instead pretended to be deaf and decided to continue the barbaric act he is committing at that day until she bled and lost consciousness. 

"Still, try to visit him sometimes until he still breathes. I heard that he is confined at the hospital in London, the nearest one from Spinner's End." He said hopefully while looking at the window.

He can't force the raven haired girl as if she didn't want to, even if she will sound like bad child. He marred her as if she is his disfigured artwork, leaving scars that she can't erase.

"I don't want to. Just let him rot alone like what he did to my mom. What is he experiencing right now is not enough for all the bad things he inflicted to me and my mother." Severus said, her voice is full of hatred that it made Albus hairs to rise.

Her heart is filled with too much hatred that her's color is starting to turn into pitch black she don't know how to turn it back into blood red again.

"But that will make you a bad child, my dear." He said, trying to make her to feel guilty but nothing happens, she just shake her head in annoyance.

You can't change a person's mind if he or she's mind is already closed with decision they already made as if it is a clay and you can mold it again if you don't like the form it shaped.

"Headmaster." She said in faster tone, calling the attention of the old man who is looking at the different side of the blank room.

There is a big chance that the person who is standing in the front of you is not what it seems to be, that they are hiding in the golden facade they made intricately to look more deeper and richer but hollow in the inside if only you look closer.

"Do you really have a conscience or you are just pretending to have one so people will label you as a noble person?" Severus whisper dryly while looking deeply at the headmaster's bright blue eyes as if she sees something that a normal person can't.

No one is perfect enough to order her on what she needs to do as they are just faking everything what they are doing just like her. How can they say that she is a big liar if they lie way more than her? 

Knife is not always sharper than words and no words are invisible enough to pretend that it doesn't exist and it won't hurt you at all.

All things can hurt you, even the voice that's talking inside of your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hhhhhhhhhh, school finally starts, some of you are studying now, ayt?
> 
> Expect some delays as online school is not as fun as it sounds to be, I have way more stuffs need to do and again, I'm going to continue this. 
> 
> I'm sorry for not responding for days, can someone tell me how can I have good time management? Mine is very poor, which will make you to face palm if you know.


	7. The Ballad of Her

Severus is in a bad mood.

Euphemia Potter is not kidding when she said that she is going to her healer, which is a nuisance. The woman, who supposed to check her once a day became once every hour that it feels like she is already violating her rights and privacy, asking if there is wrong or if she wanted something. Well, if she wanted a one thing honestly, if she can say it freely, that is her and her entire family to fade away from her already messed up world forever.

She just wanted to be free from the thorns that's hugging her frail body, the one of the things that is keeping her one breath away from everything her heart yearns.

It is her last day in staying at St. Mungo's on the bright side, but she still don't know what she will do in her life, now that she will get discharge tomorrow and she has no money in her pocket. She can't go to her home as it is a mess right now and her father might go home if he can and she can't stay to Evans and Blacks without getting other injuries.

But she will not and never stay with the Potters even if the matriarch of the family drags her, pull her hair from the hospital to their home. She will refuse and bite if necessary.

"What will I gonna do?" She asked herself, biting her nails again without noticing that she developed again a new habit every time that she is anxious.

It is hard to calm your body if your mind can't stop from running away from the thoughts and problems you don't want to process, to think or mutter even just a single word that makes up the whole paragraph.

A single knock wakes her up from drowning in thoughts as the person she doesn't want to see appears while wearing the bright smile Severus hates as it starts to annoy her guts, struggling to stop the urge to crumple her face.

"Hello, deary. What are you okay? What are you thinking about?" Euphemia asked kindly as she walks closer to the raven haired girl who unconsciously walk backwards.

Severus already predicted that if she walks, or tries to walk backwards, the she devil will walk closer to her, but she still do it and now starting to regret it. As she started to realize that the woman, like his dunderhead son don't know what the bloody hell privacy is.

Severus wears a fake smile, saying, "Can you please, keep a distance? You are making me more uncomfortable, if you mind." Hoping that the Potter will understand her part as she don't want to reach the part where Severus will push the woman out of her sight as an act of desperation.

"I'm so sorry, Severus. I didn't know that I'm making you uncomfortable, I didn't mean it, sweetheart." The brunette apologize, hugging Severus tightly who just sigh and decided to say nothing.

"It's fine, I'm just not used of someone is being close to me." Severus explains while breaking away from the tight hug that nearly crush her already broken ribs.

"It is your last day now, you will finally get discharge tomorrow. I will terribly miss you Severus as I already see you as my daughter." She can't help but to roll her eyes as she heard what the older woman is saying, stopping herself from laughing.

Daughter? Last month, she treats her as if she is a dirty dishcloth and now, a precious daughter? Severus can't help herself from amusing the woman for changing her perspective easily.

"Thank you, for treating me as if I'm your daughter." She said awkwardly while combing her hair using her left hand as she lies but biting her tongue after it.

She feels more like an obligation than being a daughter, to be honest. She never bats an eye to her before as long as she remembers, but now, she has all the attention Euphemia has but never want any of it.

"I heard from the Headmaster that you don't have a place to stay with, where will you go?" Euphemia interrogates, making Severus to sigh as the she sense that the woman is planning something bad to her ear.

She is praying that the woman will not suggest to her to stay at their home, as it is the last place she wants to be with. All places where James Potter comes and live are already crossed out to her list.

"I don't know, I'm still thinking about that, but I'm fine. I can find a place, I'll probably stay at the Leaky Cauldron." She shrugs, saying the place of her first choice. She can stay at the Leaky Cauldron and work in order to live, she is now seventeen and her father is in bad shape to take care of her.

"Leaky Cauldron? Why in that place? It will cost you more, do you have any relatives?" The Potter said with full of care in her voice, feeling pity on the thin girl she is talking with.

It is sad that she discovered the girl in bad shape, but time will fix her, making her comfortable with her and everyone that's surrounding her.

"I don't have and if I have, I don't know any of them." Severus said while looking down, sneering as she remember those ignorant families of hers on mother's side. 

The Princes for sure will not take care of her, leave alone letting her feet to touch their property. They, for sure, have already forgotten her now dead mother, they didn't even ask if Eileen is okay when she is still alive and where she is buried after she died.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that! If it's fine with you, you can stay with us!" Euphemia sadly adds, tapping the girl's shoulder.

Severus is always welcome to their home no matter what time she desires to visit and she knows that, but will she come?

"No!" Severus contradicts as her predictions became true, staying at the Potter's residence? Never! 

She already has enough on her plate and James Potter is already there counted on its weight, she doesn't want to add more pressure or else, she is the one who will break.

"Why? It's fine with my husband as I already asked him about the possibility of you having no roof to stay with and James, he can't harm even a single strand of your hair. I won't let him." She claims cheerfully, failed to notice that Severus wince at the choice of her words.

James Potter, will not harm, even a single strand of her hair? He can't do that even she is dreaming about him, all he can do is remove all the strands of her hair which is very painful even just to imagine.

"Why? It's fine with my husband as I already asked him about the possibility of you having no roof to stay with and James, he can't harm even a single strand of your hair. I won't let him." She claims cheerfully, failed to notice that Severus wince at the choice of her words.

"Still, no. I'm fine with staying at the Leaky Cauldron, plus I need to work to earn some galleons." She explained while pinkish blush paints on her hollow cheeks.

She is not embarrassed that she needs to work, it is being penniless to the point that the woman will force her more to move with them.

"You don't need to work, you have us. Just stay with us until the summer ends, Severus." Euphemia Potter pleads, her hazel eyes glows as she tries her best to persuade the girl to stay at their home.

She really wants to have her in their home, because even though James invites his friends occasionally, the house still sometimes feels empty to her.

"I can't, I can't bear to see your son's face every morning with the rising of the moon." She said honestly, trying to erase the boy's image on her overworked mind.

Who in their right mind will choose to stay in the place where your enemy resides? She rather sleep in the streets than stepping her feet on their expensive granite floor.

"He is your soulmate, you will be with him in the future. Why are you trying to avoid him? You will still end up with him no matter what happens." Euphemia Potter states, adding more horrible image to the poor girl's mind. 

There is some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness, that is what Severus's mother once said, but what she is seeing as of now is only pure madness!

"It sounds like I'm forcing myself to like something I can't love, drawing and painting a picture of a scenery my heart never touched." She whispers angrily, looking away from the lady who is watching her carefully. 

You can compare it with engraving a masterpiece you can't understand, you can carve it's line, but you can't explain why it's there and how it ended up there.

"But, still!" The brunette contradicts, her pitch went higher as she wants Severus to stay with her and her family until the school begins.

Reality shows how content people are as they are just listening, following all the foolish orders abusers are telling them to do. Some have eyes that are partially open, but they don't know what to do and say as they don't know how to wield the power that bestowed to them, to fight the rights that stealers stole from them.

"No, I can't reach out to something that makes my heart aches the most. I will not risk myself to dive in troubled water if my arms and legs are made of steel, I will never have the chance to raise my head to the surface if I keep on sinking down until I am trapped in the middle of darkness I don't want to be with." Severus explains while stopping the woman from pushing her.

She won't risk her heart for James, he must be the one who makes heavy decision as he is the one who hurts her the most. Why she is the one who needs to bow?

"Fine, just don't waste the connection you and James is sharing. He is still young, he can still change. Please, give him a chance." His enemy's mother begs, but never touch her stone and cold heart.

Changing means giving up most of the things you have in your hands, and arrogant people will never do that as it is never will be in their vocabulary.

"I can't promise that, can he make a promise that he will be a better person? No! It sounds like setting a wildfire in the middle of the cyclone." She blurted out, not thinking her choice of words.

A good choice is often a painful choice, just like the case when you can close your heart every time you want, but you are not, and will never be immune to an emotion. 

"He is I know him and as far as I remember, he can." Euphemia Potter said in the promising way while smiling in enthusiasm, believing in her only son.

Severus watches how positive James Potter's mother, is all mother except hers is like that? Willing to bite their dignity in order to secure their child's future?

"It is scary how past exists only in our memory and even a part of it is not true. The more you something the more it twists and distorts into a similar, yet different as well. Are you sure that what are you saying as of now is really true?" She replies negatively, trying to get down and upset the bright lady.

The more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it becomes. It is better to stop her from dreaming or else, she will get lost in trance forever.

"He is nothing but a rose." She concludes while laughing bitterly, rose? The flower that is beautiful but have the enough capacity to kill you?

Love like him is a rose and you'd better not pick it; it only grows when it's on the vines. Strangling all over your body with its thorns until you bleed with guilty satisfaction.

"Why do you want me? You have already got rid of me the last time I checked so, am I just a rag doll for you and everyone?" Severus wonders, the room went silent all of the sudden that all that you can hear is her pounding heart and Euphemia Potter's silent breathing as she refuse to answer the question of the girl in front of her.

People who hold power in both of their two hands tend to use people below them as if they are a marionette, moving their strings that is attached to their head, arms and legs as if they are slaves of bad authorities. You can see how deep they can go once they grab your neck and strangle your body with a piece of string that is hard to cut. You can't move on your own as your body as it is not working for your own, it is for them to use it as an instrument and throw it away if they finally found it useless.

"If you can't be bothered to answer some questions, then don't make assumptions." She adds, leaving James Potter's mother breathless as she saw and heard how sharp Severus Snape tongue really is, piercing all the words that escaped from her mouth without exerting a lot of effort.

***

July 4, 1977

It's raining, the street is filled with chatting people and honking cars that it made the girl's ears to bleed as the noise filled the place like they were in the market place as she blends in the crowd while walking to reach her destination. Are Muggles really that noisy?

Severus knows that it is a stupid move deep inside, visiting her dying father but she can't help it. She is wondering how much alcohol it takes in order to shut down her father's body.

Everyone stops from talking at the moment that Severus step her foot in the Muggle hospital, figuring out what a weird girl is doing in the public hospital. She just shrugs and went to the corner and ask where his father is, ignoring all the stares they are giving to her.

"Room 27. Tobias Snape, the one who is going to die at any time. I believe that you must be Severus Snape, right?" The man in white robes said before the woman in the counter answer her, giving him a nod as a sign of thank you.

The hospital is not that big, it is not hard to find her father's room is in the fourth corridor. Severus closes her eyes and breathe deep as she opens the door, stepping inside without knocking.

She imagines her father to be pale and somehow thin, but you can't trace his bones, but it's not how it is now. He is paler that unusual and you can see his bones every time he breathes, looking in her direction in the way he looks at her every time when she did something he don't expect.

"Do you ever loved me, father?" She asked out of curiosity, but not expecting an honest answer on someone she can't give her whole heart. For those who don't understand what is the feeling of standing on shaking ground without holding any assurance, it doesn't matter to them if she walks away, crying while leaving. Wearing the pain in her chest which she has already forgotten, where she had already buried long time ago.

For every drop of action, there is always a reason. Just like life as it is ironic, you need to see the world upside down in order to understand it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! After too many paper works and because my preliminary examination in first sem is finally done, I'm back after of weeks of studying and reviewing!
> 
> *Sends warm hugs*
> 
> I miss you all!


	8. A Thin Wall of Glass

November 16, 1966

Have you ever heard the song of the wind?

Severus is, and it sounds unpleasant every time it is mentioning her unpleasant name. It feels like something is crawling on her rough and sallow skin, her hair is rising up for no valid reason.

The little one accidentally knocked down Tobias Snape's precious beer case out of clumsiness one hour ago, which is still having three unopened bottles in her dismay. It sounds already bad, isn't it? Let's add the fact that her mother, Eileen is currently working somewhere and unable to cover up her mistake.

One of the unspoken rules in Snape residence is to never, ever touch the patriarchs alcohols, whether it is intentional or not as once he caught you, Tobias will not think twice in hitting you. The child paced around in a circle faster using her bare little feet, didn't notice the small but sharp shards that's lying on the wooden floor until she stepped on it.

"Mother!" She let out a deafening wail as shards sink deeper and deeper to her sensitive skin, it didn't matter that time to her if her father will hear her or not. She just wants to subdue the never ending pain that is dancing on her nerves. 

The small girl is currently hiding in the darkest part of the living room where she is still sobbing, where spiders and small number of cockroaches reside in hopes that the man she feared will never find a small trace of her. But the scarlet blood from her little feet says a different thing, as it left a stain in the once yellow, but now cream carpet while Severus is dragging her feet out of hurry.

"Severus!" Her drunk father scream at the bottom of his lungs all of the sudden in out of nowhere, making her small body to jump in surprise and hidden nervousness.

"Where are you little chit!" Her drunk said angrily, the girl tried not to breath but it's useless. He looked at the living room and notice a trace of blood, leading where his daughter is hiding. 

It seems like Tobias finally discovered her mistake she tried to cover up, but failed a while ago, praying that his father will miraculously pass out due of alcohol intoxication.

"Where should I put the little devil?" Tobias Snape sings song, humming a familiar Muggle song in his daughter's ears.

It is not clear why Tobias is doing this to his one and only daughter, hitting her as if Severus can regrow her bones overnight. Is it because of hate or something he can't explain from the bottom of his heart? 

"Stop!" The little girl shrill as loud as she can, which makes her father clench her hair tighter.

He just knows that he wants to hurt her, make her scream until her little mouth can't produce sounds anymore. It doesn't really matter is she is his blood and flesh, isn't it? It is not true that blood is thicker than water, who ever said that is probably having no one in their life.

"I didn't hear anything." He teases in very low and deep voice which makes Severus cry harder, shaking her feet as she tries to delay his father from his plan.

Sometimes, the neighbors caught the father hitting his child on the spot but did nothing, as it is not their business to mind. But, they can't erase the question from their mind why Tobias is harsh to his wife and daughter if they can't see any wrong with the two of them.

"No! Father, you can't do this to me!" Severus mutter, her throat starts to hurt from screaming and crying.

There are also some times where they can see Severus is running for her, life or hiding in the park bruised, or with her mother buying stuff they can't always afford. Asking the two if they are alright, helping them if they can but at the back of their mind, they are thanking, praying, grateful that they are not the one who is in their shoes. 

Of course, who wants to be in the water that's drowning them?

"Why can't I?" The father giggled as if he finally lost the last part of his sanity, looking at the old refrigerator that's in the basement for a long period of time.

Who is more hypocrite? That is what the little girl always asking at the front of her cracked mirror. They only pretend to like her, trying to get rid of her slowly, in a way that she will not notice.

"No! No! No!" Severus whimper, tears are no longer flowing at her pale cheeks.

She is not afraid of dark places, but she is afraid of being helpless. Have you ever feel the feeling where you are in the place you don't know and thorny vines started to strangle you the moment you try moving your body to get out of that horrible place?

"I am your father, you must obey me, but you become naughtier this day which makes me angry. It's a bad move check how high my patience is, you must see how bad you look like." He tuts, opening the door of rusty and old not functioning refrigerator, pushing the little girl inside as if her body is made of rags that sewed together to be as one.

Severus struggles and it only made her father to be angrier than before, trying her best to get up but her feet aches. She can't move the half of her body, she can only crawl and use her hands to defend herself.

Tobias closes the door, and Severus tried to prevent it by putting her tiny hands on the door, but her father is stronger, he didn't care he broke her fingers.

"Open it, please! I'll be good, I promise!" She begs, starting to hate the cold and darkness that's surrounding her. Severus says to herself that she is not afraid, but her heart is betraying her.

She will not confess it to someone, but her favorite sin was torn, as it is the only one that links her to live she don't know where to find.

***

July 4, 1977

Severus breathes deep as she opens the door of the room where her father is residing, battling her inner fear, disgust and what if's.

If she is going to be honest, Severus hates the idea of visiting his father in his death bed. If he wants to die, why not die in silence? Why must she take part of this?

"Hello father." She said shortly, not showing any emotions she locked a minute ago somewhere.

Tobias absolutely looks shit, no need to think twice.

"Severus." He gasps, looking at his child. Only realizing how he and Eileen's features blend into her face like a masterpiece.

It was the first and the last time that Tobias will see his child acting as her true self in front of him. It is not necessary to wear specific clothes to say to everyone who you really are, it is more like about what the person feeling inside and expressing to the world who you wanted to be.

"The headmaster told me to visit you, saying that your time is almost up. I'm not actually convinced, but the idea of you dies satisfy my hunger." The raven haired admit, while walking to his bedridden father to get closer. 

For sure, it will hurt a little bit if you receive harsh criticisms, but don't let the struck on your mind for a long time. You don't want to be trapped in the idea of how the past works, you can't get out once you set your feet.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what to say." He admits, looking away to his child with guilty eyes.

"You don't? I don't know how to blend to everyone, I just know is how to live when people leave me alone, vulnerable and hurt. And you are like this, saying sorry for all the things you did!" Severus blamed to the man in front of her, how dare him to asked something he didn't give to her when it's her turn ask him?

Why he is silent? Why the only thing he can say is "I'm sorry"? Where is the man who used to shout her name out of hatred?

"Do children really need to be useful to the eyes of their parents and throw them if they can't benefit from them?" She said out of nowhere, smiling on her own as her bitter memories can't help but to rush to her blank mind.

The raven haired girl looked tiredly in the broken mirror, only realizing that she is still a kid who never grows, like a tendril of vines, reaching something to cling to. She is still begging and looking for love, desperate of warm touch she can't find.

"Do you ever loved me, father?" She asked silently, not waiting for a yes.

We can't force someone to love us back, even if we are praying while crying desperately.

"I am a broken doll to your eyes, am I not?" She utter under the heavy breath, chapped lips are twitching as she saw his father nod at her question.

Is that her fault that she hasn't become something that he wanted? Is it her fault that she can't teach herself to be someone else?

"Time can't erase everything, did you know that I still have a hard time saying your name?" Severus confesses while playing her fingers that his father once broke.

It is impossible to be genuinely happy. As being happy is not having sky without storms, or roads without accidents, or work without fatigue, or relationship without disappointments.

"You don't know, don't you? How pathetic." She tsk, laughing bitterly as she saw his father's bothered face.

If only his mother can see his wonderful reaction, will Eileen laugh or cry out of pity?

"I'm not going to kill you, don't you worry." Severus states, who is deeply fascinated with how drastically the table flipped.

The young woman likes to be in control, as she never has the chance to be when she was younger and she can say that is quite addicting. 

"I'm just here to remind you that even if you land your feet in the afterlife, I'm going to make sure that you will not forget all the things that you have done to me." She promised, tilting her head to have a better view of her anxious father.

Especially the moment when your captive is begging for help, saying please and I'm sorry. What is it, power? Whatever it is, Severus craves for more, as it doesn't remind her how helpless she is like before.

"Don't you say that I am cruel, you are the one who forged me to be one. How I wish that I can drag and locked you in refrigerator like what you did to me before." The daughter reminded of his father who is clueless on what she is saying.

He doesn't remember how bad it is? He already forgot how cruel and unforgiving he is that day? Her fingers are aching to do the same, she wants Tobias to scream her name out out anguish like she did to him.

"Do you think that I'm soft and sweet like a drugged experiment bunny? That I will come to you when you need me and go away when you don't want me anymore?" Severus blurted as she feels her chest tighten the long the times she stays on his side.

She clenches her pale hands as tears continuously gush through her glassy obsidian eyes. Why she is crying? She must be happy because finally, her prayer since she was a child is finally becoming true.

"I'm not doing charity, you must know that yourself." She warned, trying to catch her breath.

It just didn't feel right every time you breathe and someone is pulling your leg in order for them to live.  
Why should they be your obligation if they only see you as a stepping stone? 

Why should you help them if you will just get nothing? 

"I don't take thank you as a gift." Severus said sharply to the old man, wiping some tears, that's forming at the side of her almond eyes.

Some tears are silent because we are too scared to cry out loud. 

"You might not remember how strong and painful the way you struck your axe in my chest but I did. It might seem small to you, but it's a big deal to me." She said honestly, punching her chest to feel some physical pain her body yearns.

It's not fair that it is only her who can remember all the horrible things he did to her, why it's only her who needs to suffer in countless nightmares while the monster is sleeping soundly in his bed?

"You render my heart so much that I don't have the time and the chance to learn how to love. It is pretty amazing that an abusive man like you is still given a mercy, how do you manage to fool them? Did you give them sick puppy eyes?" She asked, trying to anger his father. 

He inflicted too much pain that it carved scars that she cannot remove in her skin, preventing herself to call herself beautiful.

"Do you know the reason why flowers wither? Because time is not kind to them, to everyone that is breathing." She states before leaving her incapacitated father, not turning her back even a bit as she already left her heart somewhere in the past the moment everyone already gave up on her.

She don't know how to care for people who yearns tender care and love as she despised them, why will you give yourself to someone if they will only use and treat you like a toy?

She can feel herself moving her feet, but why it also feels more like someone else is moving her feet? 

"What shall will we do to your father? I sensed that your father is in the brink of dead anytime." The doctor asked to Severus as the two crossed their path.

Why her? Why she is the one who needs to decide? Can she throw his father in Thames river instead to finish her problem? Who cares if a Muggle saw his dead body? It is not her problem anymore, as if Tobias is still conscious to say that she is the one who did it.

"My mother. She must be the one you should ask, but she, unfortunately already passed away. Let him die and rot in his bed, I don't need him in my life anymore." Severus said while smiling, not sure if the doctor can understand her part.

The doctor looks at the teenager as if he is a judge and she a convicted murderer, sentencing how bad the words that escaped from her mouth.

"Isn't that harsh for a teen girl like you to say?" He questioned, trying to convince the girl to be nicer.

It may look weird and harsh, but Severus has the point, whether people will object or not. How can you treat nice the people who only did bad in their lifetime? Who is brave enough to convince her that demons still have a soft side?

"It's not, he will do the same if I am the one who is in his shoes. He is not what you see now, it's just a facade of a man who will die soon." Severus revealed, looking at the white floor of the hospital.

She doesn't like the idea of strangers asking what her business is but if she's not, they will criticize her instead. Severus, like everyone is like a coin. She, also have different sides and she can flip side anything she wants.

"May I know why you act like a stranger to your father? Are you not afraid that it will be the last time that you will see him?" The doctor asked out of curiosity, trying to understand her side.

We find our every word judged by people we can't see, by rules we don't know if it really exist. Why it's hard to say no to the things people expected you to do the way they want?

"He is not kind to me, why should I be kind to him by the way? Ask yourself, will you able to save someone who caused your fears and insecurities?" She confesses, saying all the things she wants to without hinting what she really feels inside. No one is worthy enough to know what is running inside of her mind, no one.

The doctor didn't say anything, fascinates at what the young girl said that front of him. It is normal for him to see adults to ignore their dying relatives, but a seventeen year old girl? It's not.

It's okay to be selfish if it means you are just protecting yourself. They are not just the people who live in the world, so you are. Learn to say no, it's fine if you turn your back and act as if nothing happened.

No one will judge you for that.

"They don't treat me as a human so I started to act to not like one." She whispers in the thin air, never plans to turn back and return the moment she step her foot forwards.

It was just like what how the another chapter of your life ends, when words leave a tingling pain in your chest and you can't move on, stagnant like water in the dirty canal, but life is already flipping the page in leisure and you have no right to stop moments as you can't control time using your hands.

It's hard to be trapped in between, you don't know where to go, but you can see your way as if there is a thin wall of glass preventing you to move.

"Why should I live for others if they do not care for me?"


	9. Just Fade Away

Severus does not know what time it is, but she is sure that she can't move her fragile body for unknown reason. She never has episodes like this until her mother died, where she haunt her in her dreams and leave her terrified and incapable of doing things after coming back to the world of cruel reality.

"Severus..." A soft but a cold voice whisper in her ears, making the raven haired girl to panic.

She cannot see anything but a shadow in front of her, gently caressing her face as if the two have a very close relationship.

"W-who a-are y-you?" She stutter, still trying to move her body but no avail. 

Severus feels like a precious display where the shadow is the collector, touching her in a very nice way to the discovery that she is broken and cannot be mended.

Her mother, no the shadow touches her neck and trace her name as if her skin is a blank sheet of name while humming a song her mother used to sing when she was a toddler. 

"Why are you ruining yourself now that I'm now dead? Are you not happy that I did everything I can in order to save you from being perished?" The shadow shrill, angry at the girl for being pathetic.

Silence had never bothered her, except for the silence, she left behind. She can't feel her wings as it was broken. Rusty chains sink deep into her flesh where pain sings to her ears sporadically, preventing her to leave as fast as she can. 

"You don't really love me, right?" The shadow asked in a motherly tone that Severus knows too much, trying to guilt trip the powerless girl beneath it. 

No, it's not her mother, that's not and will never be her mother, even if they share the same tone her mother used to comfort her. The Eileen her daughter knows is too kind to blame her, too calm to be angry at her rush decisions.

But it's too late for the still dreaming girl to realize that, when regret started to occupy the shallow part of your heart. You can't stop it, even if you cry or scream out of anguish if it is too late for everything.

"Is it okay to dream for a while if I confess to you that I don't really know where will I head?" She blankly stated, Severus do not know if she is still dreaming or not, if there is someone out there listening to her confessions. Everything feels so surreal that she can't differentiate what she can feel and see, if it is her mouth or mind talking in the shadow who's visiting her. 

"Will you resent me if I break all the assumptions you made while living in the world I created to save my face?" She added, her already thin voice was starting to crack.

The shadow scream her regrets as her dying heart pours a heavy amount of sadness in the middle of the cold night, while drowning in the ocean of miseries. 

"If yes, I'm sorry. I really am. I cannot be someone you planned to be, I tried, but everyone is disagreeing with my actions." She confess for the first time with her mother. Severus didn't complain to her even if she is on the brink of death, is it a sin to forget her words just for once?

Is there a moment where she said to her mother, even for once that the world where she is, is already suffocating her? It feels deep inside the she has no place to belong to, she loves this world, but, the world sadly doesn't love her back.

"I am emotionally intense, but mostly I feel nothing, empty, detached from reality and those around me." The girl remarks in a low tone, who didn't care if the shadow is trying to kill her by strangling her. No one will mourn if people found her dead tomorrow, she's just like a wildflower after all. People will try their best to get rid of her no matter how beautiful her presence and intention is.

Everyone sees what you appear to be; few really know what you are. Yes, there is a golden rule that do not judge the book by its cover but who follows it anyways? Why would you pick something you are not sure if it will kill you or not?

"Just let me sink at the bottom of the sea." She begs before closing her sad eyes, a single tear escape from her eyes but she managed to hide it.

Have you ever done something you never regret even a bit? Because you don't know what you're supposed to feel because you lacked something you can't figure out? But you can dimly distinguish it when you are on the verge of crumbling down?

If you don't, let her cold eyes tell you this for once. She will never repeat it, as it is something she locked somewhere long time ago when she was given a chance.

"And leave when you want to leave, I will not beg you to stay. " Severus added heavy heartedly as if she carried the whole world with her back, but cannot distinguish if the weight she is bearing lessens.

What would you do if the person you're thinking about showed up at your door right now?

***

Severus looked disgustedly at the mirror, as she saw herself wearing female's uniform for the first time. Never in her wild dreams she hoped that this moment will come, but here she is now, begging the ground to swallow her.

Yes, she sometimes wishes that she can act freely as a girl, but wearing clothes like this is not included on the list. Especially when it is the first time she's doing it and not totally nailing it. 

The seventh year Slytherin is currently in one of the toilet stalls the train has, struggling in changing her clothes. Severus does not know if it comforts her or not in the fact that she at least know how to put the weird clothes on and she, generally don't look bad.

Euphemia Potter forced her to take care of herself before leaving the hospital, swearing that she will not stop on monitoring her until she behaves or look good enough to consider to be a girl and she's not kidding at all, at Severus's dismay. 

She spent her summer figuring out how the bloody hell cosmetics and the things you should put in your body to look good works, allowing her soulmate's mother to treat her like a doll in exchange of leaving her alone when she said said. Let's not add the fact that Potter's mother first points out how bad her hair is, pointing that if your hair is a such mess, boys also will not leave you alone.

Well, she's correct on that part, but using five different products in order to tame the monster above your head and trimming it the way the older woman desires is already an abuse. She just can't say no the woman bought all the things she need without any conditions, except of course on the part where she need to look nice in order for James Potter to like her.

It is not true that money can't buy everything, because it is Even your precious soul and your deepest and darkest secret. And you are willing to sell them as you have nothing left in your pocket that is full of holes in exchange that you will bow down and strip the dignity that's hugging your already torn body.

Severus does not like the idea that the Potters are now controlling her, but she has no choice if she wanted to live, maybe there is way in the future on how can she escape her destiny marrying her enemy. She will not let herself rot with that dunderhead, she can't let that happen.

She moved too fast that Severus didn't notice that the torn piece of paper from for journal fell from her pocket, where her darkest emotion resides when was walking on the way to her compartment. 

It is indeed a miracle if no one finds her letter, even if it is a scratch.

"Ouch." A student whimper, as Severus bump a student out of hurry. Looking back only realizing that it is once her best friend, Lily Evans.

It feels like Pandora's box was opened and the world still can't apprehend.That life is not like how we understand, as it only takes one blink to turn into sand.

"I'm sorry, I didn't see you. You must be new, right? I never see before if I'm mistaken." Lily said shyly while standing back, leaving Severus shocked.

Did she really looked so bad before that Lily didn't recognize her now? It's funny that there's too many people relying on you, but you have no shoulders to cry with if you are down in times of need. Do not be a martyr or a saint, they will forget you once they don't need you.

"It's fine, I gotta go." She said out of hurry, running away from the person she yearns for years. It hurts to be alone, to have no shoulders to rely on but it's better than crying because the person who is precious to you leaves.

Her heart is like a thin glass panel. It is transparent and easily breaks in doing something she don't have any clues, but contemplating the form of hiss. Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that some people only enter your life as temporary happiness.

Have you ever felt like you've forgotten something very important to you? Lily can't help but to watch the student leave with puzzled looks painted on her face, asking herself as she lately realized that she, somewhat looks familiar. 

When you are betrayed, you don't lose a friend. You just realized that you never had one. Try not to be like a post it notes. No matter how strong your adhesive is, you will still fall down to the garbage can if you are not that important anymore.

Why must she take reality seriously if she can run away and make hers instead? The crowd pushed her too hard to be real to the point that she doesn't know how to do it properly as what she only know is how to pretend. She lied so hard that she already forgot how be her, to breathe without the weights hanging on her tired body. 

The train finally stopped the moment Severus reach her compartment, making the raven haired girl to be more anxious, now that she realized that an ocean amount of questions are waiting for her to answer.

What does it feel like to fly? To spread your wings and be gone. To feel the air hitting your face and be nothing as time passes by. She doesn't know if it's possible, but she hopes it is all, nothing is impossible even if everyone is saying no, as long as she is breathing and wearing the will to live. 

***

James Potter watched Lily and the new girl silently while opening the letter he found in the corridor a while ago, frowning as he read something he don't expect. Curious in the fact that the girl run, did Lily say something that alarms her?

"James! What's in your hand?" Remus wondered as the Marauders left their compartment.

It sucks when you have to let go the things that once made you happy, especially when it is the first reason why you chose to fight and say no on what your fate is dictating.

Will he have the gut to say to his first ever friend that the girl he is pursuing is the one that the world give to him? A piece him that he is willing to give up if it means happiness to his best friend. Remus didn't ask Lily to be his, afraid of the consequences, he'll pay when the time comes.

"Nothing, just a piece of torn paper I found on the train." He said lethargically, still looking at Lily at great distance. 

Letting go of someone you love hurts like loosing your greatest dream in life. It hurts when you really love the person, but you can't do anything but to just keep quiet and watch them slowly lose interest in you. The hardest part of falling in love was letting the person you love go even if it kills you inside, just to see them happy even it it is not you.

"Why not throw that in the bin? Don't tell me that you collect garbage now?" Sirius jokingly adds, trying to steal the paper from his mate's hand.

Letting go of someone you love is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't feel the same is much harder. Imagine building a woman for another man. That hurt so bad, but you gotta let them go because loving someone is seeing them happy even if it's not you. 

"No! It's just something is written here and it kinda affects me." James confesses, wondering why his chest feels tight.

James Potter didn't know that even if he don't want to accept the fact that he can't have one he wants, the connection he shares with his soulmate will never die, nothing can keep them apart.

"Is that about you?" His stout friend asks while beady eyes are wondering, trying to figure out the mystery behind the torn paper.

He will die miserable, from cordolium if he rejects what is given to him. No one is above the rules of soul mate, you can't have someone else, even if your partner dies or cheated on you.

"No, but I have a strong feeling that it is something very personal. As if the owner is hiding something and it kinda attracts me." He revealed, his hand how pointing his chest.

It is unfair, whoever started the soulmate system, but it is the only thing that makes the Wizarding World alive, and also the reason why too many died. Killing their soulmate, especially the purebloods when what given to them is not what they wanted.

Will it affect them? As of now, no. But they will realize in the end that they don't have the capacity to feel joy, only happiness that is temporary, too fast to enjoy every bit of it. 

"You're just being nosy mate, what if that is from Snivellus or some slimy Slytherin? Not a waste of time if you ask me." Sirius assures, trying to sway the Gryffindor from being too paranoid. 

James was left dumbfounded and confused as the three starts to walk in faster pace, he doesn't know what to do as he can't remove the instinct of finding the owner of the paper and ask if he or she is fine.

A stronger part of him is telling that it is actually his soul mate, crying in the dark but he doesn't want to admit it. James doesn't want to know the truth, even if it will not hurt him. Why should he find his soul mate if it is not and will never be Lily in the end like what he wished when he was younger?

His mom told him out of nowhere before leaving that love is like a dream, it's nice and smooth in the beginning, but rough and dark when it takes longer and deeper, when it starts to reach the bottom of if's and why's. Telling him that be nice to everyone, as his soul mate may be out there, and it can be a person he is teasing or bullying.

James sighs as he read the first part of the letter for the last time and decided to not follow what his friends suggest for the first time, as if someone whispered in his ear and manage to sway him. After all, curiosity kills the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

_Reality isn't everything._

_If that is true, then let me to just fade away. Even only for once, until I remember who I really am when I was born into this world I know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never tried to ride local train and I rarely ride metro as I have the habit of getting lost like what happened this Christmas which is pretty traumatizing, I got lost while finding my way as I don't know how to go there and how on Earth will I ride the metro. I went on the left platform when I'm supposed to wait in right platform, walking in circles until I find my way. Let's add the fact that I forgot how to use the metro card.
> 
> Feel free to correct me, if there is a mistake on the train part. What do you call the bathroom inside the train?


End file.
